I feel as if my story never changes

So maybe it is me who needs to make some huge changes. I am still the same person I was in middle school. Granted I have gained some wisdom throughout the years. But I haven't changed. If you knew me then you know me now.
I feel the same things. That's why I felt this blog was necessary. I am a person who needs to be with people. But I think I get overwhelmed by more than one person. So I appear to cling to that person. And I guess I do cling. But thats really biting me in the ass. I need that human interaction, but for someone who isn't like me (not centered on one person) I must seem intolerable
I guess this is a message to my girl. Saying that I am sorry that I need to be with you so much. I know that I drive you crazy. But thank you so much for dealing with me and my needy whiny bull shit. I do love you ever so much. And I'm going to try to lay off some...

But ultimately you make me fear making other friends. Last time I branched out and had friends other than you, you freaked out. Every move was looked at with suspension. I never wanted anyone but you, and I still don't. I wish you would get that through your head. Wish you weren't so insecure. If we can just work on your confidence issues, then maybe I can break out and finally have friends again. Not be scared to make plans with other people. But as it is now I fear that by making new connections I weaken ours.

Does anyone else feel like this at times? Or am I completely clingy and suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder?

Pit in my stomach

I've been doing a lot of reflections lately and dear god I have gotten touchy. I never realized what a jealous person I was until two days ago. I was reading someones blog (though now  blogspot one) and they were listing off all their friends and how much they meant to them. This person was someone that I thought was one of my best friends. And I wasn't even mentioned. I have helped them through so much. I have always selflessly put myself out there for them. I never wanted anything in return. But I guess at least validation as a friend would have been nice. They were far from the first person to do it. People are so fucking selfish. It infuriates me. Makes me feel like being a bitch to everyone. People come to me when they have a problem. I talk it out with them. I help sort it out. Put things in perspective. Once that person is ok again they seem to totally forget about me until they have an issue again.
IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING THINK I'M GOOD FOR?!?!?!
Obviously so. Clearly people only want me when they need me to make things better for them. People are so selfish by nature. So back stabbing and out for self-preservation. But let me say something to anyone who is reading this...

One doesn't need to ruin others in order to preserve themselves.

 So fuck you all. I'm done.

My first week is over!!!

I just wrapped up my first week of college. I am surprisingly nonchalant about it.I can hardly see the difference from high school. Except my classes are smaller. My bigger class only has 14 students in it. That part is really nice. It would be nicer if I knew at least one of those students. I realize that I have never gone into a school where I didn't know a single other person on campus. I must say its intimidating. I am a very social person and I don't know what to do when I'm not talking to anyone.
Out of my college career I think I want new friends more than anything else. (Yes, sadly more than the education) I feel that I have been isolated for a long time. I know that it is mostly my own fault but I do partially blame my environment. I hate living in the city. Its so cold and disconnected here. Back in Georgia people had to work on friendships and not just let them go when the smallest thing went wrong. You couldn't. Because if you did you would very quickly be out of people to be friends with.... But here??? There is a never ending array of people that you can replace your friends with.So there is absolutely no need to hold onto a friend, or try to make things work. Simply make a new friend. Add that to the fact that the few friends I made here were in the drama department. There is a reason that the symbol for theater is two masks... Two faces.
But back to my first week. Getting to campus was an adventure in itself. Sunday night I had stayed at my "girlfriend's" house. So Monday morning had to start at 5 a.m. She didn't have time to take me all the way to campus so we had to find the closest bus stop to her school. After thirty minutes of waiting the bus shows up. In all it was a two hour trip. I was an hour early so I had time to find my class then sit around and people watch. Ends up there are no chairs in that lobby.... But finally 10 o'clock rolls around. I already love my psychology class. The teacher is extremely well versed. I don't think there is anything in the field he doesn't do. The most intriguing thing to me is that he works as a criminal psychologist. I really can't even imagine what it must be like. Nor do I know how he does it. I couldn't. I would be too biased. I don't think I would EVER let a child molester back on the streets. Even if he was "cured". You touch a child you deserve to suffer. But thats why I don't want to be a criminal psychologist.
Tuesday night was not as fun. The teacher seems hilarious. His favorite word is very clearly shit. Its in every other sentence, I swear. Its a long class (three hours) and everything I ever learned in drama will make the class that much harder. I am not allowed to memorize my speeches. Not supposed to have predetermined movements. Oh this will be fun. At least I know how to deal with stage fright. But that night... Oh that night. I still have to rely on the city bus system to get me to and from. At night most buses have ceased to run. So I have to make four transfers. I got to about the 3rd stop... Getting ready to get on my last bus... Its 11 o'clock at night. And I realize I got off too early and I'm lost! I have absolutely no idea where I am. I don't know how to get home. I call my dad freaking out. I wanted to know if there was any other bus I could take home. My only issue was I didn't know where I was. But then my dad did something pretty awesome. Going off of the schedule of the last bus I was on, and the stores I told him that were near me, he figured out where I was and was there in under ten minutes. I was sooo grateful because before he came I was very nearly in tears and was having a mild panic attack.
Yesterday was another psych class. Again I enjoyed it a lot. We were told we had a test online... I tried taking it today... I pretty much failed (made a 70%, which in Sarah world may as well be an 0) Since its not due until midnight tomorrow I am going to spend all morning studying (we can take the quiz 3 times) and then retake the quiz when I am confident in my knowledge of the material. We don't go back to class until Wednesday. Don't know anyone. So this is my first test as a college student. Doing something utterly alone. Oh boy.