This is bliss

Both of my girls are sleeping in my arms. Oh wonderful night :D

I feel as if my story never changes

So maybe it is me who needs to make some huge changes. I am still the same person I was in middle school. Granted I have gained some wisdom throughout the years. But I haven't changed. If you knew me then you know me now.
I feel the same things. That's why I felt this blog was necessary. I am a person who needs to be with people. But I think I get overwhelmed by more than one person. So I appear to cling to that person. And I guess I do cling. But thats really biting me in the ass. I need that human interaction, but for someone who isn't like me (not centered on one person) I must seem intolerable
I guess this is a message to my girl. Saying that I am sorry that I need to be with you so much. I know that I drive you crazy. But thank you so much for dealing with me and my needy whiny bull shit. I do love you ever so much. And I'm going to try to lay off some...

But ultimately you make me fear making other friends. Last time I branched out and had friends other than you, you freaked out. Every move was looked at with suspension. I never wanted anyone but you, and I still don't. I wish you would get that through your head. Wish you weren't so insecure. If we can just work on your confidence issues, then maybe I can break out and finally have friends again. Not be scared to make plans with other people. But as it is now I fear that by making new connections I weaken ours.

Does anyone else feel like this at times? Or am I completely clingy and suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder?

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth

I'm still alive you guys! Isn't that just amazing. Sorry for my lack of updates. I have been very busy with school. I made A's in both of my classes! So at least I know that my hard work pays off. Just hope I can do the same next term. I will be switching campuses, THANK GOD, and taking nineteen course hours. Its going to be ridiculous and overwhelming. But if I want to be at UCF by Fall then this is what I need. And I know that if I try hard enough and stay focused I can do it. And pass with high marks.

Other than school I have been working on improving my personal life. I know one of my last real entries was about my relationship falling apart. Well as of this moment things are wonderful again. Whatever it is that we are it cannot be defined. But that doesn't bother me anymore. I am happy. I should be content, and am content, in knowing that I am loved. Really that's all I want out of life. Someone beside me to hold me at night and who truly loves me. That is the perfect life. There are bound to be disagreements and fights, but from each hard place you come to value the good times all the more. I wish more people saw things that way.

The only two things in my life I'm not content with are my lack of job and my body. While my hunt for a job has thus far been fruitless, I am going to an audition at Disney tomorrow with the girl. (she shall hence forth be referred to as my girl until situations change) And as far as the other aspect. I start a diet next week. I've done this one before. Its pretty easy to follow. And highly effective. I would have already started but I have to go grocery shopping first. And since I don't get any money until Friday.... Yes. Wait til Monday. Come Monday I will begin. Come 2010 I will be myself again. I will be revived. I will FEEL beautiful again.

Its a shame that I place so much of my happiness on my exterior. But I am still a teenager, though only for six months, who lives in America. Its been conditioned in me from as early as I can remember that thin is in. Thin is beautiful and to be large is to be disgusting and without self-control. Now. Don't get me wrong. I do know that that is not the correct way of thinking. I know that everything I said is ridiculous and false. However, its a feeling. Emotions and logic do not go hand in hand. For those of you who know about my past, don't worry. This will not be a repeat of that. I am going to be adhering to a very strict diet plan. I will work out three times a week. I will take drastic steps to give myself the best life I possibly can by being as healthy as possible.

Now if I have anyone out there who is willing to be a workout buddy... Well so be it. I would GREATLY appreciate some company and extra motivation!

Well. Thats all I have for now. I have plenty more to write but just can't right now. Someone should text and remind me to update this damn thing every now and then

Only an hour ago

I love how just an hour ago I was fuming. I was shaking and crying and actually threw up my body was in such a state of stress. But in just an hour I have completely come to terms with what happened. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be soon. It doesn't stop it from hurting like hell but it does help the anger go away. Its not like she wanted to hurt me. Its not like we wanted to fall out of love. But things do happen. And unfortunately people fall apart. But we are going to try to stay close. She's been my best friend for nearly two years so I pray I never lose that. And I don't think I will. Hard though it may be at first...I am sure we can do it.

Bad news from gay days

Nothing like having someone ruin your gay (happy and homosexual) day by telling you that they are through with you. Like. Couldn't it have waited? Did they really have to ruin the one day of the year that you look forward to all year? Especially when you've now been together for nearly a year. I pretty much am fucking angry and hurt and crying and angry and lost right now. I don't even really know what to say. Someone help me make things right. I AM done with her. She was horrible to me anyway. But I was and kinda still am in love. Which makes this one of the most painful things of my life. I need friends right now. And who do I have.I really don't. God. I am fucking depressed

Just feeling UGH

I know I haven't updated anything in awhile. I'm sorry. I've not felt up to it. I've been so damn BLAH! I fell back into my eating disorder and the world turned gray. Nothing had meaning. Then I started to eat "healthy" again. And the world lost even the gray tint. It so easily consumes me.

School has been a blur. I have made nothing but A's. So that much is good. I have two TESTS on Monday though.I'm worried. Hoping me and the "girlfriend" can go study this weekend. I think we will tomorrow.

If you've ever wondered why I never call her my girlfriend but instead always put quotation marks around it, its because we technically broke up about two months ago. But we are still constantly together and still sleep together. Eh.
Trying to talk to her about the subject is another reason life has been dull. I tried to convince her that we could be a couple again. Be happy if we tried again. But instead she blows me off and stopped talking to me for the day. The TITLE seems to scare her. Though nothing between us would really change. She REFUSES. And it hurts me. I feel so dirty having sex with her even though she isn't my girlfriend. It just seems wrong. But who am I to complain. I still have my best friend who takes care of me and loves me. So why do I worry so much about the title of our relationship? I know I shouldn't. Oh well. Too bad. I guess its just the woman in me :(

All the good ones

Well first let me cover an issue I addressed in a past blog: I am no longer in any disarray with my bank. Thanks entirely in part to my dad. When he saw how dressed I was, he wrote me a check covering the balance and then some! I have such a great dad. I really do. I am so appreciative of him. I know I don't show it enough. I think I'm going to try to change that!
I also mentioned in the past that I had failed my first Psychology quiz. Ends up I wasn't the only one. In fact, half of the class didn't even take the quiz. So he allowed us to do it again... Guess what?!?! I MADE AN A!! Sarah is back! Thats much more like me. Now I have to take quiz 2. But it isn't due until Monday and its more of a factual test. (What are Axon Terminals?) I'm re-excited about class.
Speech was interesting too. We were told to make a model of communication... Talk about vague!! But ends up my group came up with a very advanced idea that blew the professor away... Until the pentacle showed up!!! Then ours became the brilliantly Satanic model. It made my night.
I didn't get lost on the bus that night either. Even though I spent forty minutes figuring out the bus schedule, I didn't even take the bus home. One of the girls from my class took me home. Super sweet of her. Guess that was one of my lucky days!

I need to correct a few things too. I believe a while back I put in that I was questioning my girlfriends devotion. Saying that it was all about the money. How cruel of me. How cruel. And how wrong. She didn't deserve any of that. My girlfriend is amazing and money doesn't matter to her in the least. She is so supportive of me when I am down and really takes care of me. She goes out of her way to do things for me quite often. Does that sound like a selfish person to you?!?! Not to me!!!

I've lost about five pounds this week! :-) I am highly excited for my small start. I have been exercising and dieting my ass off. Literally! And it looks like it is working. Five down only twenty five to go :)

Jobs Jobs Jobs

So I was laid off about a month ago. At first I didn't think I would need a new job. I had received financial aide to help me pay for school and I no longer had bills to pay. My only expenses would be extra things I wanted and taking care of my pup. I would have easily been able to cover those expenses with my occasional babysitting jobs. BBUUTT then it ends up my poor lil baby needs a mild surgery. Only about $200 but still more than I have. I didn't receive any financial aide and instead had to take out a loan (which I now hove to make payments on). I don't have any clothes that fit. I'm not babysitting anymore. I need a computer for school. I need to find a way to pay for my transportation. And the best part: I only have forty-three cents in my bank account.

So I think it is safe to say that I need a job. I promise I have been looking. I put in at LEAST one application a day. But no one is hiring. And those few that call Petland for my reference end up getting the manager who hated me. She basically lies. They aren't bold faced lies. But she can paint them to make me look horrible.

What she says                                                                    The truth

She had a bad attitude                                                

I didn't like her

She intimidated the workers                                   

She intimidated me

Her negligence killed a puppy                               

The dog died of kidney failure because
managers wouldn't take him to the vet

She always wanted a new
work schedule              

She was always covering for other 

people to help out

Yea. That fucking bitch. Lovely lucky me gets to be her neighbor. So not only does she unjustifiably "let me go", I have to see the bitch nearly daily. She is ruining me. It has become almost impossible for me to get a job. I'm not stopping though. I will keep looking. I need some extra cash. Being poor sucks. I feel useless. I can't go out.My "girlfriend" all but refuses to pick up a bill for me. I feel that since I'm not paying for everything now that she has no need for me. It is a truth that once I lost my job we started to see each other less and less. That makes her sound so horrible. But she's not. Or at least I hope she's not. I REALLY hope she isn't that shallow. But I honestly don't even know anymore. We haven't had sex since I was laid off. I think she is holding it over me. The brat continuously teases me. Gets me all riled up then denies me.

I love how I started talking about needing a job and ended with needing sex. Guess they are both VERY vital parts of life.