On the way from school

It pains me so much to still see American's sleeping outside. Driving past a local shelter I can see a couple dozen people sleeping outside... We need to fund our shelters better. We need to put an end to children sleeping on the streets. Help these people. Give them jobs. If they're handicapped, give them the care that they need. The only excuse for homelessness is laziness. Its unacceptable, and deplorable!

What a horrible name

 Would you ever go to a church where the pastors name was Aushwitz?? I know I couldn't. They're prob a bunch of neo natzis. Jk. But maybe. I mean, if you didn't hate jews wouldn't you change your name? Would you really want to be tied to a name that brought up so much pain?

Pit in my stomach

I've been doing a lot of reflections lately and dear god I have gotten touchy. I never realized what a jealous person I was until two days ago. I was reading someones blog (though now  blogspot one) and they were listing off all their friends and how much they meant to them. This person was someone that I thought was one of my best friends. And I wasn't even mentioned. I have helped them through so much. I have always selflessly put myself out there for them. I never wanted anything in return. But I guess at least validation as a friend would have been nice. They were far from the first person to do it. People are so fucking selfish. It infuriates me. Makes me feel like being a bitch to everyone. People come to me when they have a problem. I talk it out with them. I help sort it out. Put things in perspective. Once that person is ok again they seem to totally forget about me until they have an issue again.
IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING THINK I'M GOOD FOR?!?!?!
Obviously so. Clearly people only want me when they need me to make things better for them. People are so selfish by nature. So back stabbing and out for self-preservation. But let me say something to anyone who is reading this...

One doesn't need to ruin others in order to preserve themselves.

 So fuck you all. I'm done.

Lesbitarian!!!!

Yes! The lesbitarian is back. What IS a lesbitarian you may ask? Let me inform ya! Its a lesbian vegetarian. Absolutely no meat. No dead animals. No penises.
This is only like the eighteenth time that I have done this. I was a vegetarian for like two years solid, then before on and off for about five. So this is nothing new to me. I know how to do it healthy now. No more trips to the hospital for weakness... But that wasn't my fault. I blame my mom. She refused to help me so I barely ate. I basically starved.
But that won't happen this time. My dad is super supportive and vegetarian food is so good. It should help my health. Thats the real reason I am doing it. I need to get healthy. I've been getting these fake panic attacks lately. They're scaring me. I think they are triggered by water. That can't be healthy.

Just feeling UGH

I know I haven't updated anything in awhile. I'm sorry. I've not felt up to it. I've been so damn BLAH! I fell back into my eating disorder and the world turned gray. Nothing had meaning. Then I started to eat "healthy" again. And the world lost even the gray tint. It so easily consumes me.

School has been a blur. I have made nothing but A's. So that much is good. I have two TESTS on Monday though.I'm worried. Hoping me and the "girlfriend" can go study this weekend. I think we will tomorrow.

If you've ever wondered why I never call her my girlfriend but instead always put quotation marks around it, its because we technically broke up about two months ago. But we are still constantly together and still sleep together. Eh.
Trying to talk to her about the subject is another reason life has been dull. I tried to convince her that we could be a couple again. Be happy if we tried again. But instead she blows me off and stopped talking to me for the day. The TITLE seems to scare her. Though nothing between us would really change. She REFUSES. And it hurts me. I feel so dirty having sex with her even though she isn't my girlfriend. It just seems wrong. But who am I to complain. I still have my best friend who takes care of me and loves me. So why do I worry so much about the title of our relationship? I know I shouldn't. Oh well. Too bad. I guess its just the woman in me :(

I want I want I want

I made a wishlist. Not because I want anyone to buy me anything. More because I want to keep a list of all the things I want and in some cases need. It wouldn't let me add "a job" to the list but that would definitely be at the top! But below is a link to my wishlist. Check it out if ya wanna.

Wishlist

*I will hopefully have the computer by the end of this month. Its only
a possibility, but I have my fingers crossed!*

All the good ones

Well first let me cover an issue I addressed in a past blog: I am no longer in any disarray with my bank. Thanks entirely in part to my dad. When he saw how dressed I was, he wrote me a check covering the balance and then some! I have such a great dad. I really do. I am so appreciative of him. I know I don't show it enough. I think I'm going to try to change that!
I also mentioned in the past that I had failed my first Psychology quiz. Ends up I wasn't the only one. In fact, half of the class didn't even take the quiz. So he allowed us to do it again... Guess what?!?! I MADE AN A!! Sarah is back! Thats much more like me. Now I have to take quiz 2. But it isn't due until Monday and its more of a factual test. (What are Axon Terminals?) I'm re-excited about class.
Speech was interesting too. We were told to make a model of communication... Talk about vague!! But ends up my group came up with a very advanced idea that blew the professor away... Until the pentacle showed up!!! Then ours became the brilliantly Satanic model. It made my night.
I didn't get lost on the bus that night either. Even though I spent forty minutes figuring out the bus schedule, I didn't even take the bus home. One of the girls from my class took me home. Super sweet of her. Guess that was one of my lucky days!

I need to correct a few things too. I believe a while back I put in that I was questioning my girlfriends devotion. Saying that it was all about the money. How cruel of me. How cruel. And how wrong. She didn't deserve any of that. My girlfriend is amazing and money doesn't matter to her in the least. She is so supportive of me when I am down and really takes care of me. She goes out of her way to do things for me quite often. Does that sound like a selfish person to you?!?! Not to me!!!

I've lost about five pounds this week! :-) I am highly excited for my small start. I have been exercising and dieting my ass off. Literally! And it looks like it is working. Five down only twenty five to go :)

WHOO! Awards

Thank you ALEXIS! Lovely wonderful Alexis nominated me for my first award. The Kreativ Blogger! I am quite amused by this fact!

The rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

My Nominations:

 Alexis

http://confessionsofsomeonealmost18.blogspot.com

Carrot Speak

http://address-the-world.blogspot.com

Iva Messey

http://ivamessey.com

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

http://lwbpd.blogspot.com

High School Psychology

http://teachinghighschoolpsychology.blogspot.com

Father  Kurylowicz

http://fathermartykurylowicz.blogspot.com/

The Nuerocritic

http://neurocritic.blogspot.com/

*Note: I believe that it would be inappropriate to "nominate" some of these bloggers. However I think you should still check out their blogs and read what they have to say.* 

Seven Things I Doubt You Know: 

1. I hate computers and think them evil!!!

2. Despite usually (every single time but this one) falling for the extremely femme girl.. I am HIGHLY attracted to butch lesbian :) 

3. I can't throw anything away. I have a huge tub full of cards and letter dating back to when I was in elementary.

4. I can't stand for their to be lights on. I would MUCH rather sit in the dark. 

5. I must drink 12 bottles of water a day. 

6. I hate my dog every morning until about eleven.. Oh look its eleven. I LOVE YOU NIK!

7. I'm really good at math. I hate it. But I'm good at it. Even though my classroom scores rarely reflect that *I never turned in homework! *

Later on today I still have plenty more blogging to do. I just can't stand to sit on this computer a minute longer.... 

 

Ever So Short and So Sweet

YAY!
Good blog coming in near future
I have so many GOOD things to blog about....
But no time tonight
I shall write in the morning
Sleep well all
May your dreams bring you peace
And may you wake refreshed and re-energized

Somebody Save Me

Somehow things have gone totally wrong!!! My bank account is in the negatives. And I don't even know how. I haven't been spending any money. And because I have no job, I can't even repay it. I am getting blocked every which way I turn. After this week I won't even have enough cash to get me to and from school.... ANY ideas?!?!! Any help? I need it!

What I read at Barnes and Nobles...

...unfortunately didn't stay at Barnes and Nobles.

I read a book called Purge. It was about one woman's journey through a very serious addiction to Ed and her road to recovery. It wasn't very well written. There were plenty of grammatical errors. But the emotion was right there on the surface. It was so raw. I had to hide my tears from my "girlfriend" who was sitting next to me. The writer was not the smartest person in the world. The first rule to every writing about an Ed is to never put in weights. You can say that you have gained or lost. But numbers are a no-no. They are dangerous to the reader. They allow the reader, usually someone who themselves is suffering from an Ed, to compare themselves to the writer and self-diagnose their disorder.
Say the writer writes that she was 102 lbs when she was sent to a rehab clinic. The reader may read it and say that they don't need help, or that they aren't even sick because they weight somewhere closer to 120. But this isn't a fair comparison. We don't know how tall our reader or the aurthor is. Nor do we know their body type. One may have a very small frame while the other is a curvy woman. Age matters. How much muscle do they each have.... Weight is BAD! And not a clear indicator.

But despite my knowing all of this, I compared myself to her weight. Her "fat" weight was about eighty pounds less than what I am right now. So what does that make me?!?!?!? I am triple what many girls are when they are in these rehab centers. When I myself was put in one I was still the heaviest one there. I weighed twice as much as many of them. I felt grotesque. I was a monster next to these little waifs.

From that time I have gained about seventy pounds.... I weigh more than everyone that assiociate with. Which makes life very difficult. I sit there and am CONSTANTLY comparing myself to them. To everyone. Besides being fat, I have no boobs. None once so ever. So even if I see a girl who may be a little more round than me I look at her chest. Nine times out of ten she is busty. People don't see big girls with big boobs as fat. And people just don't see me. Lately I have been able to walk around completely under the radar. Nobody notices me. I am not spectacular. I am not obese, so they cannot gauk, and I am not thin and busty, so I am not stared at in admiration. I am not even average. I am caught someone between average and a fat ass. Closer to the side of the fat asses.

After reading that woman's words, I grew to hate my body even more. I have let myself slip so much. How could ANYONE believe that the fat mess I am now once had an ed. And still struggles with it daily. The best part is I really don't eat that much. I very rarely touch junk food. I don't drink soda. Though I am no gym fanatic, I do get a regular dose of exercise from running my puppy. Yet I am still monstrously HUGE!!! My dad thinks there is something medically wrong with me. I wouldn't doubt it. Which makes it that much more unfair. And I don't want a single one of you to comment this with something like, life's not fair, suck it up, deal with it! FUCK YOU! Everyone is entitled to days where all they do is bitch. And this is my day. And this sprouts from fear...

Fear that I will stay this big
Fear that I will get bigger
Fear that ed will over power me again
Fear of dying by ed's hand
Fear of food
I almost fear living....

Maybe I am being over dramatic. But I am scared. Because I miss my ed. I miss the false sense of security. I miss that false feeling of beauty and happiness. I realize its all false. But feeling something good, even if it IS false, is better than feeling like shit in the real world.

I ended up writing a novel

Sometimes people don't think. They send me links to videos that I shouldn't be watching.
Recently an acquaintance sent me a link to a video they wanted me to watch. Not thinking anything of it I follow the link. The video starts of with pictures of a very beautiful little girl. She was always laughing and smiling. It had captions like "Daddy's little girl" "I love my mommy!" and so on and so forth. Then the most depressing song in the world came on: Sarah McLachlan' s Arms of the Angels. The pictures changed. The little girl, no older than two, was still smiling but it wasn't as bright. She had bruises on her cheek and neck. The she had casts on both of her legs. The next picture was her grave stone. She died when she was two years old.
That video would upset just about everybody. But whenever I watch it I flash back to just a few years ago.

I am in a complete and total state of disarray. I haven't stopped crying since I watched it. But selfish me isn't crying for her. I am crying for me. I am still haunted by everything he did to me. I don't trust anyone anymore. My relationships suffer. I even have a hard time just being friends with a straight guy.

I am blessed with a good father, my daddy. Absent though he was in my earlier years, he has always supported me and has never laid a hand on me. But after the divorce, two months after the divorce, my mom remarried. I was not as blessed this time. He was so typical. So unoriginal. He was a truck driver. He often walked around in a wife beater and boxers. He drank his Bud Light and he smoked his cigarettes (the cheapest ones he could find). He very rarely had a job (because his bosses were "unfair" and/or "stupid"). He was highly insecure.

I remember almost every single fight with a perfect clarity. I remember the most stupid one that turned into one of their most dangerous fights. It was with this fight that I stopped believing in the police. I have hated them as a whole ever since.

On this night we were all sitting down to a dinner as a family. All six of us. It was my mom, my step dad, my little brother, my two younger step sisters, and myself. The older of my sisters and I had made a huge dinner for the family. We had even set the table nice in hopes that we could function as a semi normal family for once. Besides my step dad's constant complaints about how un-flavorful the meal was, dinner went smoothly and was nearly pleasant. It lulled me, and the rest of the family into a false sense of well being.
After dinner we decided to play a game as a family. So after doing the dishes and putting my youngest sister to bed, we started a game of scrabble. Maybe that was our first mistake. Almost immediately my step father started to get annoyed because he wasn't doing very well in the game (the man isn't very intelligent). The rest of us tried to ignore it. My mom had started telling stories about when she was growing up. She was in the middle of a story about her and her cousin pretending to be a couple to get some creep off her back when my step dad goes off.
"You and S**** have been together?!?!?! You disgusting whore!!! I can't even trust you around your own fucking family!"
"That is not what I said. It was merely a rouge."
"Don't you fucking give me that shit. You are in love with him. I knew there was another man! I KNEW it!"
"He is my cousin you idiot!"
"Who the fuck are you calling an idiot!!!!" He stops yelling here and starts out in a sneer, "Oh you think I'm an idiot. But you're the idiot here. The idiot whore. See. I got a few women on the side. They all love to fuck me. They fuck me better than you do. I hate fucking you! I just take pity on you. YOU DISGUST ME!!!"
"So if you have so many women on the side then why do you need me? Why don't you just divorce me?!"
"Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?!?! See I knew you had someone else on the side. Your cousin S****. So is he just waiting on you to call? Gonna come pick you up and 'save' you. Like he'd have the strength to pick you up. You're so fucking huge."
At this point I take my two younger siblings to the back room. We can still clearly hear them arguing so put on a c.d. and turn the music up as loud as I dare. I kiss them both on the forehead then sneak back into the dining room where the fight rages on. They are both on their feet now.
"If I can't have you, then no one can have you, you stupid fucking cunt!" He all but screams at her. He back hands her across the face. Stupidly I rush in. (from here on out S will be me, M my mom, and D for my step dad)
S: "Don't you dare hit her like that! She didn't do anything!!!"
M: "Stay out of this baby. Go back to your room"
D: "Listen to your mother, go back to your room. I'd hate for you to hear the truth about her"
S: "The truth about her?!?! You don't know what you're talking about. When does she even have time to have an affair. When you aren't with her, you call her every five minutes to check up on her. Don't you think you'd hear if she were with another man"
D: "You're an even bigger cunt than your mother. Don't think I don't know that you cover her. You and A***** both. You both lie to me so that she can sneak around with all her men"
S: "Why would I do something like that? And don't you think you're own girls would tell you if she were doing something behind your back"
D: "They would, except you're threatening them. I know you rough them up when I'm not looking. Your mom does too. You just hate my girls because they are so much prettier than you ever thought about being."
S: "Your girls are gorgeous. But I would never be cruel to them. Even if I was jealous"
D: "Don't you fucking lie to me you little whore!!" *He smacks me hard across the face and I stumble backward*
M: "Don't hit her D*****!!!! She's just a child"
D: "Just a little fucker like you. She deserved it. Shouldn't be talking to a grown man like that"
M: "YOU are the one acting like a child. Leave her out of this. She is just trying to protect me"
D: "Don't tell me what to do. I'll do as I please." *He walks toward me and my mom shoves him "Oh now you've done it bitch." *He takes a swing at her and she stumbles to the ground* "Aw. Look what you've gone and done now. Here let me help you up" *He reaches down and yanks her arm. I can hear the shoulder as it slips out of joint.*
M: "Call the police!" * I run for the house phone but my step dad gets there first.*
D: "What the fuck do you think you're doing. You're not gonna call the cops. No one is calling the cops." *With that he rips the phone right out of the wall. He smashes the receiver and cuts the cord.* "What ya gonna do now, huh?" *I slump down and pretend to look defeated. He turns his attention back to my mother and I sneak down the hallway into my 'parents' room. His phone was sitting on the charger. I don't know why I didn't call the police. Instead I called my aunt.
S: "Hello?! Aunt L***? I need you. D***** and mom are fighting. He's hit her a few times and...." *The phone is snatched out of my hands.
D: "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ON MY PHONE!!!!! YOU FUCKING THIEF!!!" *He ends the call and proceeds to hit me with the phone. All the while still yelling and cursing* "How dare you! This is MY fucking property. When the cops get here I'm pressing charges against YOU! You took my phone! I'm not going to pay that god damned bill! YOU'RE the one charging it up!" *My mom finally shows up behind him after what seems like eternities. She struggles with him to get the phone and I dash into my room and lock the door.
BAM BAM BAM


My door comes crashing down and my step dad charges in.He pounces on me and knocks me to the ground. He moves to slam my head down. He is only able to do it once before my mom is on top of him, scratching and pulling and biting and whatever she can to get him off of me. He releases his grip on me and glares at my mother.*
D: "You fucking hit me!" *My mom leaves the room and my step dad gets off of me and goes after her. I can hear that they are still fighting but my head is spinning too much for me to really catch the dialogue . My head was pounding. Soon I realized that things had gotten quiet.I couldn't hear either of them anymore. Nervously I crept back into the dining room. They weren't there. I checked the living room. No sign of them. I went to our back den and was about to walk out when out of the corner of my eye I saw movement outside. I walk over to the doors and peep out. Sure enough there they are. If I concentrated I could hear my mom crying. But I couldn't see either of them. I step outside and my mom screams,*
M: "GET BACK IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!" *I had never heard her sound so scared before in my life. As my eyes adjusted, I quickly realized why. My step dad was holding a shot gun that I knew to be loaded. He was pointing it directly at me.*
D: "Don't you dare move a muscle." *I was frozen in my place.* "Who's the smart one now. I complete control you. One wrong move and I'll shoot."
M: "There is no need for this. Come on. Lets talk this all out. I'll do whatever you want baby"
D: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" *My mom looks even more frightened than before.* "Ya'll are both going to shut the fuck up and just listen. I am sick and tired of you two. I'd like nothing more than to shoot you both." *My dog comes flying out of nowhere. She is barking and snarling and charging straight at my step dad. Mind you she is a monstrous American Bulldog/Pitt Bull mix.*  "Fucking mutt" *He fires twice in the direction of my dog. I hear her whimper and then see a white dot dash for the woods. At least he didn't kill her. Thinking of nothing but my dog I start after her.*
S: "Patches!"
D: "Where the fuck are you going?" *He stops me in my tracks.* "Did I tell you that you could move, NO! I don't think so. So stay the fuck where you are. When that dog comes back rest assured that I'm going to kill her. We aren't going to have that thing in our house." *For the first time all night I start crying.* "Stop you're fucking blubbering.Makes you even more unattractive." *I hear sirens off in the distance, my heart skips a beat. Then I realize I hadn't called the police. I called my aunt. But they just kept getting louder*. "You fucking cunt!" *He pushed me out of the way with the butt of the gun and dashed toward the woods. After recovering for a second, I run toward my mom and just cling to her. The police cars approach our house and pull into the drive. Me and my mom run around the house to flag them down. My aunt and uncle's car pulled up after the second car. She must have called them for me.*
*For the next ten minutes my mom explained to the police what had happened that night. I just sat back in my aunt's arms and let her hold me. I was so sore and probably should have been examined but at that moment I didn't care.*
O: "So he's in the woods now? Is that correct ma'am?"
M: "Yes sir, and he's armed" *the officer calls something in on his walkie*
O: "Ma'am, if you wouldn't mind, will you walk around back and show me where he ran into the woods?" *We all walked around to the back side of the house and me and my mom pointed out the spot where he had run in. Not really thinking I call out to my dog hoping she's ok*
S: "Patches! Patches! Come see mommy, baby!" *She dashes out of the woods and runs toward me. I collapse to the ground and love on her. She realizes that there are other people there and she goes to investigate. She runs right past the police and acts as if she sees something. Next thing I know I hear my step dad screaming out.
D: "Get her off of me!! HELP HELP!!! Somebody help!" *Patches was able to find my step dad for the police!*
O: "Sir, drop the weapon and we'll have the dog called off." *I guess the officer saw him drop the gun because he signaled for me to call Patches back to me.*
S: "Patches!! Come here baby! Mommy's got a treat for you!!!" *Slowly she walks out to me. As soon as she is close enough to grab me and my aunt take her firmly by the collar. I see my step dad slowly come out of the woods with his hands raised in defeat. Thats when the worst thing of the night happened....*
O: "D*****, is that you buddy!?!" * The officer knew him!* "Hey man. Whats going on here?" *He shook my step dads hand! HE SHOOK HIS HAND!!!! The officer had just heard how he held a gun to me, and then he shook his hand!!!!!!*
*The cops talked to my step dad for awhile. In the end all they wanted him to do was apologize. They didn't confiscate the gun, and despite my mom wanting to press charges, they said they couldn't because they had no proof that anything had happened there that night. I guess a man hiding from the cops in the woods with a GUN isn't proof at all!!!*
They took him down the street. Less than two miles away. And just dropped him off at a gas station. For about an hour he called and called and called my mom's cell phone. Until she just turned it off. Then he showed up back at the house. He didn't have his keys so he just banged and screamed and kicked and yelled until my mom finally gave in and went and let him in. I "heard" them that night and have never respected my mother again. What kind of mother can see her child get hit, and have her life threatened and then go and fuck the man who did it to her!?!?! What kind of woman.?!?! Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach. But I can tell you this. From the night on, Patches slept inside EVERY night. Either in or under my bed!

Memories

I love how I accidentally come across things that bring on a flood of memories. Like this


This song. That girl. That play. Les Miserables. My all time favorite play. On My Own. My all time favorite song. I remember when my dad first gave the cassette tapes. I was very young. No more than eight or nine, I'm sure. But I played those things to death. They were on loop constantly. I fell in love with the story. With the characters. The music. The whole splendor of it. Then for my tenth birthday they bought me the c.d. set. To this day its still about $40 in the store. I do believe I cried I was so happy. I still have those c.d.s and the original casing. Its been nearly ten years and there hasn't been a single scratch on a single one of them (I still have the cassettes too). But the most amazing gift my parents EVER gave me came on my eleventh birthday. They had gotten me tickets to go see Les Miserables LIVE!!!! I remember even then critiquing it the whole time. Val Jean was too old and couldn't support his notes. Fantine was black? But oh what a beautiful voice. And Eponine. Oh my Eponine. She was no Lea Salonga, but she was still amazing.
My mom and dad had to keep hushing me because I couldn't help but to sing along. Especially when Eponine sang.
On My Own has always haunted me. There is something about its beautiful misery that has always captivated me. I could relate to what Eponine was going through even at a young age. I knew how badly it hurt to want someone or something and just be completely pushed aside. So she and I alike built up this fantasy world around us where everything was ok and we were happy.  This was my first audition song. I remember stepping on the stage. Nervous with sweaty and shaking hands. But then the music started. The notes just flowed out of me (this was prior to all the damage done to my throat). I lost the audience and became Eponine walking alone in Paris. Then the world came back to me as the song ended. One of the casting directors actually had tears in their eyes. I don't think I will ever be able to give a performance like that again. And I know that  there will never be a song that means more to me.

Some days I wish I had a terminal illness. Not that I want to die (I could make a miraculous recovery) but because I want the Make A Wish foundation to grant my wish. The most heartfelt wish I have (that someone else could actually grant) would be to play Eponine on Broadway.
So let me move to the country so I can start wishing on every star again
"Starlight
Starbright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
I wish upon this star tonight"

Jobs Jobs Jobs

So I was laid off about a month ago. At first I didn't think I would need a new job. I had received financial aide to help me pay for school and I no longer had bills to pay. My only expenses would be extra things I wanted and taking care of my pup. I would have easily been able to cover those expenses with my occasional babysitting jobs. BBUUTT then it ends up my poor lil baby needs a mild surgery. Only about $200 but still more than I have. I didn't receive any financial aide and instead had to take out a loan (which I now hove to make payments on). I don't have any clothes that fit. I'm not babysitting anymore. I need a computer for school. I need to find a way to pay for my transportation. And the best part: I only have forty-three cents in my bank account.

So I think it is safe to say that I need a job. I promise I have been looking. I put in at LEAST one application a day. But no one is hiring. And those few that call Petland for my reference end up getting the manager who hated me. She basically lies. They aren't bold faced lies. But she can paint them to make me look horrible.

What she says                                                                    The truth

She had a bad attitude                                                

I didn't like her

She intimidated the workers                                   

She intimidated me

Her negligence killed a puppy                               

The dog died of kidney failure because
managers wouldn't take him to the vet

She always wanted a new
work schedule              

She was always covering for other 

people to help out

Yea. That fucking bitch. Lovely lucky me gets to be her neighbor. So not only does she unjustifiably "let me go", I have to see the bitch nearly daily. She is ruining me. It has become almost impossible for me to get a job. I'm not stopping though. I will keep looking. I need some extra cash. Being poor sucks. I feel useless. I can't go out.My "girlfriend" all but refuses to pick up a bill for me. I feel that since I'm not paying for everything now that she has no need for me. It is a truth that once I lost my job we started to see each other less and less. That makes her sound so horrible. But she's not. Or at least I hope she's not. I REALLY hope she isn't that shallow. But I honestly don't even know anymore. We haven't had sex since I was laid off. I think she is holding it over me. The brat continuously teases me. Gets me all riled up then denies me.

I love how I started talking about needing a job and ended with needing sex. Guess they are both VERY vital parts of life.

What an F

Remember that quiz I was talking about in the last entry?? I wasn't able to retake it. I did all my studying today and then signed on to take the test. Ends up the quiz closed out at 10 o'clock this morning. I had no idea. I thought it was midnight for some reason. I am so disappointed in myself. How could I do so poorly on my first quiz?!?! I am just very very very very glad that he has agreed to drop our lowest quiz grade. This WILL be my lowest grade. I won't allow anything like this to happen again. I have already started to study for the next chapter and I am more in the swing of things... So I am hopeful. Nervous. But hopeful....

This is why you go to college fresh out of high school. Don't take a year off. Your test taking ability starts to decline and study skills are lacking. I was an idiot. I know it. But I can fix things. I am not in a slump yet. I need to find a way to memorize names with events. I have never been very good at it. I can still barely remember that Washburn was the first woman to earn her Ph.D. in psychology even though I just read it. The only person I can really remember is Wilhelm Wundt. And that is only because I have been studying him since I was back in Georgia.Oh well. Like I said I can fix this. I can make better grades from here on out. Wish me luck :-)

My first week is over!!!

I just wrapped up my first week of college. I am surprisingly nonchalant about it.I can hardly see the difference from high school. Except my classes are smaller. My bigger class only has 14 students in it. That part is really nice. It would be nicer if I knew at least one of those students. I realize that I have never gone into a school where I didn't know a single other person on campus. I must say its intimidating. I am a very social person and I don't know what to do when I'm not talking to anyone.
Out of my college career I think I want new friends more than anything else. (Yes, sadly more than the education) I feel that I have been isolated for a long time. I know that it is mostly my own fault but I do partially blame my environment. I hate living in the city. Its so cold and disconnected here. Back in Georgia people had to work on friendships and not just let them go when the smallest thing went wrong. You couldn't. Because if you did you would very quickly be out of people to be friends with.... But here??? There is a never ending array of people that you can replace your friends with.So there is absolutely no need to hold onto a friend, or try to make things work. Simply make a new friend. Add that to the fact that the few friends I made here were in the drama department. There is a reason that the symbol for theater is two masks... Two faces.
But back to my first week. Getting to campus was an adventure in itself. Sunday night I had stayed at my "girlfriend's" house. So Monday morning had to start at 5 a.m. She didn't have time to take me all the way to campus so we had to find the closest bus stop to her school. After thirty minutes of waiting the bus shows up. In all it was a two hour trip. I was an hour early so I had time to find my class then sit around and people watch. Ends up there are no chairs in that lobby.... But finally 10 o'clock rolls around. I already love my psychology class. The teacher is extremely well versed. I don't think there is anything in the field he doesn't do. The most intriguing thing to me is that he works as a criminal psychologist. I really can't even imagine what it must be like. Nor do I know how he does it. I couldn't. I would be too biased. I don't think I would EVER let a child molester back on the streets. Even if he was "cured". You touch a child you deserve to suffer. But thats why I don't want to be a criminal psychologist.
Tuesday night was not as fun. The teacher seems hilarious. His favorite word is very clearly shit. Its in every other sentence, I swear. Its a long class (three hours) and everything I ever learned in drama will make the class that much harder. I am not allowed to memorize my speeches. Not supposed to have predetermined movements. Oh this will be fun. At least I know how to deal with stage fright. But that night... Oh that night. I still have to rely on the city bus system to get me to and from. At night most buses have ceased to run. So I have to make four transfers. I got to about the 3rd stop... Getting ready to get on my last bus... Its 11 o'clock at night. And I realize I got off too early and I'm lost! I have absolutely no idea where I am. I don't know how to get home. I call my dad freaking out. I wanted to know if there was any other bus I could take home. My only issue was I didn't know where I was. But then my dad did something pretty awesome. Going off of the schedule of the last bus I was on, and the stores I told him that were near me, he figured out where I was and was there in under ten minutes. I was sooo grateful because before he came I was very nearly in tears and was having a mild panic attack.
Yesterday was another psych class. Again I enjoyed it a lot. We were told we had a test online... I tried taking it today... I pretty much failed (made a 70%, which in Sarah world may as well be an 0) Since its not due until midnight tomorrow I am going to spend all morning studying (we can take the quiz 3 times) and then retake the quiz when I am confident in my knowledge of the material. We don't go back to class until Wednesday. Don't know anyone. So this is my first test as a college student. Doing something utterly alone. Oh boy.