What I read at Barnes and Nobles...

...unfortunately didn't stay at Barnes and Nobles.

I read a book called Purge. It was about one woman's journey through a very serious addiction to Ed and her road to recovery. It wasn't very well written. There were plenty of grammatical errors. But the emotion was right there on the surface. It was so raw. I had to hide my tears from my "girlfriend" who was sitting next to me. The writer was not the smartest person in the world. The first rule to every writing about an Ed is to never put in weights. You can say that you have gained or lost. But numbers are a no-no. They are dangerous to the reader. They allow the reader, usually someone who themselves is suffering from an Ed, to compare themselves to the writer and self-diagnose their disorder.
Say the writer writes that she was 102 lbs when she was sent to a rehab clinic. The reader may read it and say that they don't need help, or that they aren't even sick because they weight somewhere closer to 120. But this isn't a fair comparison. We don't know how tall our reader or the aurthor is. Nor do we know their body type. One may have a very small frame while the other is a curvy woman. Age matters. How much muscle do they each have.... Weight is BAD! And not a clear indicator.

But despite my knowing all of this, I compared myself to her weight. Her "fat" weight was about eighty pounds less than what I am right now. So what does that make me?!?!?!? I am triple what many girls are when they are in these rehab centers. When I myself was put in one I was still the heaviest one there. I weighed twice as much as many of them. I felt grotesque. I was a monster next to these little waifs.

From that time I have gained about seventy pounds.... I weigh more than everyone that assiociate with. Which makes life very difficult. I sit there and am CONSTANTLY comparing myself to them. To everyone. Besides being fat, I have no boobs. None once so ever. So even if I see a girl who may be a little more round than me I look at her chest. Nine times out of ten she is busty. People don't see big girls with big boobs as fat. And people just don't see me. Lately I have been able to walk around completely under the radar. Nobody notices me. I am not spectacular. I am not obese, so they cannot gauk, and I am not thin and busty, so I am not stared at in admiration. I am not even average. I am caught someone between average and a fat ass. Closer to the side of the fat asses.

After reading that woman's words, I grew to hate my body even more. I have let myself slip so much. How could ANYONE believe that the fat mess I am now once had an ed. And still struggles with it daily. The best part is I really don't eat that much. I very rarely touch junk food. I don't drink soda. Though I am no gym fanatic, I do get a regular dose of exercise from running my puppy. Yet I am still monstrously HUGE!!! My dad thinks there is something medically wrong with me. I wouldn't doubt it. Which makes it that much more unfair. And I don't want a single one of you to comment this with something like, life's not fair, suck it up, deal with it! FUCK YOU! Everyone is entitled to days where all they do is bitch. And this is my day. And this sprouts from fear...

Fear that I will stay this big
Fear that I will get bigger
Fear that ed will over power me again
Fear of dying by ed's hand
Fear of food
I almost fear living....

Maybe I am being over dramatic. But I am scared. Because I miss my ed. I miss the false sense of security. I miss that false feeling of beauty and happiness. I realize its all false. But feeling something good, even if it IS false, is better than feeling like shit in the real world.